A letter from the heart…

Dearest, dear..

This entry was written on April, 28^th on your 24^th birthday. Happy 24^th birthday. I would not spoil your birthday spirit. I would get this entry posted at any other time. Anyway, I was listening to few songs, one entitled “Tapi Bukan Aku” and the other was “Tercipta Untuku.” Typical me, huh?

I have been keeping mum for quite a while, I do notice that. But, this is not purposely done. You may say, “There you go again!”

Truthfully, I am still dealing with our ‘break-up.’ It may be easy for you but surprisingly, I have all but zero strength to live with this bitter fact that we are not meant to be together. People may laugh at me for agonizing this seemingly imaginary break-up. Was there even a true relationship ever forged between the two of us at the first place? Was there? Maybe our hearts which were unsuccessfully entwined have the righteous answer, the only answer worth listening to. People, just laugh if you feel like to, but you do not know a thing.

I have no one to talk to about this futile heart-merging. This is partly my own fault. In front of others, I may have unperturbedly claimed that letting you go was easy. I may have assertively said that leaving you was the simplest thing to do. I might have appeared very composed and unruffled voicing out that waving you goodbye was after all not a big deal. As a consequence, nobody accompanies me struggling in this drowning valley of tears. I have nobody by my side to share my heartbreak with.

When you walked away, all my dreams were crushed. Remember the day we visited WebPages on gorgeous wedding gown? Ever heard of the ringtone that I assigned you to? Remember how badly we wanted to prolong our private moment together? Owh… My dream to build a paradisiacal kingdom with the queen whom first captured my heart has turned into ashes. Could I afford to fall in love again when the other half of me is torn?

I have been constantly denying that I have never loved you. Wow, finally the BIG word. The truth however proclaims and spells just the otherwise. Even the blind could see and feel my overriding infatuation. As the world continuously treating me unjustly, accordingly, I pushed that feeling away. I pretended that you were just another girl-friend in front of others. It hurt me as much it hurt you. At times, we did not get to talk even when the urge was driving us crazy. Judging eyes were just so overpowering that we involuntarily and in fact, mechanically turned mute JUST because of the constant disapproval and criticism we took in hand. When you hugged me the other day, I wanted it to last for like forever… Sigh ~~~~~

Remember when you asked me, “Do you still love me like the very first time?” and I said, “No”? Remember when you said, “Kitak sik suka pujuk orang, oo?” Remember when I said that I hated it when I could not do what I wanted to with you? Remember when I said that you are JUST another chapter in my life? Only if you could really see… The last sms I received from you before you boarding your flight home however acts as a confirmation that I should reasonably reciprocate with an equally alike response too. You wrote, “We’re still friends, right?” Yea, we are” FRIEND” DOT

The best I could do right at this trying moment it to learn to acknowledge the fact that my life is not solely mine. It is not entirely yours either. I belong to lots of heart that I can’t afford to rip apart. That and that alone make this wounding sacrifice a necessity. Two hearts are easier to cater to, no? Only you and I know the difficulty that we are dealing with.

I promise you that this will be the last post ever written about us. I am so sorry if this entry brings you an unpleasant, distressing upshot. It is very much remorseful. Or, maybe it does not? Anyway, I hope, you still keep the hair clip that I bought you as the reminder o f my existence.

I am now officially letting you go. I am now aware that you are not the fairy-tale in my dream, that there is no you-and-me world anymore. After everything else, my wish is to see you blissfully happy with your loved ones, your king.

Goodbye, dear…

Truly,

Walter (I love listening to you calling my name)