Thursday, April 29, 2010
This entry was written on April, 28th on your 24th birthday. Happy 24th birthday. I would not spoil your birthday spirit. I would get this entry posted at any other time. Anyway, I was listening to few songs, one entitled “Tapi Bukan Aku” and the other was “Tercipta Untuku.” Typical me, huh?
I have been keeping mum for quite a while, I do notice that. But, this is not purposely done. You may say, “There you go again!”
Truthfully, I am still dealing with our ‘break-up.’ It may be easy for you but surprisingly, I have all but zero strength to live with this bitter fact that we are not meant to be together. People may laugh at me for agonizing this seemingly imaginary break-up. Was there even a true relationship ever forged between the two of us at the first place? Was there? Maybe our hearts which were unsuccessfully entwined have the righteous answer, the only answer worth listening to. People, just laugh if you feel like to, but you do not know a thing.
I have no one to talk to about this futile heart-merging. This is partly my own fault. In front of others, I may have unperturbedly claimed that letting you go was easy. I may have assertively said that leaving you was the simplest thing to do. I might have appeared very composed and unruffled voicing out that waving you goodbye was after all not a big deal. As a consequence, nobody accompanies me struggling in this drowning valley of tears. I have nobody by my side to share my heartbreak with.
When you walked away, all my dreams were crushed. Remember the day we visited WebPages on gorgeous wedding gown? Ever heard of the ringtone that I assigned you to? Remember how badly we wanted to prolong our private moment together? Owh… My dream to build a paradisiacal kingdom with the queen whom first captured my heart has turned into ashes. Could I afford to fall in love again when the other half of me is torn?
I have been constantly denying that I have never loved you. Wow, finally the BIG word. The truth however proclaims and spells just the otherwise. Even the blind could see and feel my overriding infatuation. As the world continuously treating me unjustly, accordingly, I pushed that feeling away. I pretended that you were just another girl-friend in front of others. It hurt me as much it hurt you. At times, we did not get to talk even when the urge was driving us crazy. Judging eyes were just so overpowering that we involuntarily and in fact, mechanically turned mute JUST because of the constant disapproval and criticism we took in hand. When you hugged me the other day, I wanted it to last for like forever… Sigh ~~~~~
Remember when you asked me, “Do you still love me like the very first time?” and I said, “No”? Remember when you said, “Kitak sik suka pujuk orang, oo?” Remember when I said that I hated it when I could not do what I wanted to with you? Remember when I said that you are JUST another chapter in my life? Only if you could really see… The last sms I received from you before you boarding your flight home however acts as a confirmation that I should reasonably reciprocate with an equally alike response too. You wrote, “We’re still friends, right?” Yea, we are” FRIEND” DOT
The best I could do right at this trying moment it to learn to acknowledge the fact that my life is not solely mine. It is not entirely yours either. I belong to lots of heart that I can’t afford to rip apart. That and that alone make this wounding sacrifice a necessity. Two hearts are easier to cater to, no? Only you and I know the difficulty that we are dealing with.
I promise you that this will be the last post ever written about us. I am so sorry if this entry brings you an unpleasant, distressing upshot. It is very much remorseful. Or, maybe it does not? Anyway, I hope, you still keep the hair clip that I bought you as the reminder o f my existence.
I am now officially letting you go. I am now aware that you are not the fairy-tale in my dream, that there is no you-and-me world anymore. After everything else, my wish is to see you blissfully happy with your loved ones, your king.
Walter (I love listening to you calling my name)
2 years in UKM. Sounds short, right? Not too short though to enjoy the lighthearted life of an undergrad or the illustrious, glamorous and carefree life of orang KL. After the struggle to adapt myself to that once alien environment, now, I have to re-adapt to another not-entirely-new environment which is so much easier.
The role-shift is quite demanding. Back then, I was really spoilt by the plentiful hassle-free hours. It did not matter if I woke up at 10 or 11 in the morning or even at 2 pm every so often. It did not matter if I slept at 2am or 5am. I have so much free times.
Here at home however, everything is poles apart. Everything is routine. I could no longer enjoy the comfort of frosty morning under my comforter. By 6.30 a.m. I am occupied with household chores. I need to mop the floor, clean up the dishes, do the laundry and drive my mum or my sister to work.
Later in the afternoon, if anyone comes back home for lunch, then I have to prepare the table and sponge down the dishes. Soon afterwards, I need to pick up the clothes, fold them and placed them neatly in their respective wardrobe.
Shortly afterward in the evening, I need to re-heat or sometimes prepare the food for dinner. Everything must be ready before 5.30pm since everyone is definitely hungry and tired after long hours at the office. Again, the kitchen routine would be repeating itself. I need to wash the dishes and get the kitchen sparkling and possibly leave it spanking new. While I enjoy playing with water and bubble to get everything in the kitchen unsullied, I turn the washing machine on. By the time the laundry is done, I am also done with the kitchen clean-up.
However, I am far from complete. I have to hang all the laundry outside. I would also need to press my parents’ working apparel. Only then, I could spend quite a generous hour for myself. It is already 8 at night. Sometimes, if my mum works for the afternoon shift, I would have to pick her up at 9pm. If my father has to return to his workplace for overtime, I have to drive him over.
This explains why it is rare to see me available on Facebook or on the net. After a joyful hours playing with my nieces and an eventful get-together with the rest of my family member over a light set of snack. Only then, I’ll hit the shower. But before that, habitually, I’ll turn on the air-conditioner first in my room. When I re-enter my bedroom from the bathroom, I feel so welcomed by the freezing sensation that will freshen me up after all the hard labour. Ceh.. Hehehe... Then, I grab a novel, or maybe watch a movie or listen to the music from my laptop or my mp3/4 player. By 11 or the latest 12pm, I am already soundly asleep.
Though some might be chickened out to swap places with me to get a taste of my purported hectic life, I do have an ample time to dine outside, to go to the cinema, to watch TV, to take a nap, to do some workout or even to go out shopping. Life is so good I can’t complain so far.
“Kat maner?” “Saye tak tau aah..” “U takde ke mase tue?” “Ape dier?” “Siape?”Hahahaha.. I somehow miss listening to people speaking in this dialect. It has been nearly 2 weeks since I left UKM. My eardrums are so used to “mane,” “saye,” “ape dier”and“yer” already that I found myself laughing when I listen to my own language or local dialect being spoken. English is hardly heard other than from the radio that I am listening to and the movies or few English Channels that I am watching. Fortunate enough, we are also subscribed to the local English newspapers. At least, I am not completely detached from the second language that I was studying intensively for the past 6 years. While English is not so frequently spoken within my house compound, I am also grateful that the passion to continue blogging in English is not fading. Otherwise, I have no other avenue to practice my second language.
This is a compilation of some of the heartwarming wishes I received. I am not intended to show off that I am so much loved or anything. I am compiling this just to express my heartfelt gratitude towards those who all this while have been a part, an important piece of my life. This is a tribute to all of you who love me generously. Thank you… Thank you so much… Thank you for the genuine friendship. Thank you for the abundant love.
“Hi, Walter. I’ll still be in *** working as ***. I will miss you. I am sure I will. The only regret is, I knew you a little too late. “ (Wish I have known you earlier too. Who knows if we could work on something? Wink2)
My dearest friend, Walter. Kitak tauk sik kamek sayang kitak. Thanks for being a good friend all this while. I will always remember you. Take good care of yourself, k especially your heart. (I sayang you as much too!!)
Every word is true. It has been my greatest pleasure to know you. Love you lots. (Owh, I have only one heart to spare.. Sorry and thank you, from the bottom of my heart)
I left your birthday card at home. So, I just wrote this simple card 4 u. Ko lah yang paham aku dari jauh and I am glad that we are friends. And you better stay as my friend or else, I gonna smack you. (Smack down, huh? Hehe)
Best wishes from Class 4G. We hope you will remember all of us forever (It was my last day in Chung Hua and my ex-classmates held a surprise farewell party for me. The school principal was also there!!! How am I not touched?)
I can feel what you feel. I want to make you happy because seeing you smiling makes me happy too. (Unreturned love, so so sorry)
Dear nak cerita sikit nie. Something yang boleh buat Walter terharu. Saya dah bersedia terima kenyataan yang saya tak sempat jumpa Walter for the last time sebab dah lambat sangat balik. Betul nie, tak tipu. Tup.. tup.. sempat jumpa Walter depan pintu pagar. Waktu Dear peluk Walter, rasa sedih sangat. Entah bila dpt jumpa lagi, kan? (Gosh, was it a crush or lo….)
Dear, Brother Walter. I have nothing else to say in this special later. I just wanna say, I love you so much. (Owh, XOXO)
Love you very much!!!!! Walter(her name), Walter(her name), Walter(her name), Walter(her name) X 100… (She is trying her best and guess what, I still receive a call from her from time to time which last for nearly half an hour per call. I told her that I am engaged but she is trying her luck, still. Sorry, gal)
You are the best Senior that I have ever found!!!! (Really?? And u noe wut? U r one of my best juniors too)
I have made it public that I have never been in any lovey-dovey relationship. It is technically true. I feel bad that I have to let this bunch of high-spirited young lady to be a victim of unrequited love. I have turned almost every opportunity down. Maybe not now. I am not ready yet. Ironically, I do at times find being single is depressing. Hmmmm…