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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Teaching

This is my second week doing my teaching practice. I thought, I would love it. I mean slowly, the passion would grow and the flame would be wild. And I guess, I have to really reconsider my judgement. I started to dislike this career path that I am now dealing with. To pull myself out from this track seems to be the last possible thing that I could ever do. It is not even near the last resort of mine. Like it or not, I have to live in a constant denial; pretending to like the path that I dislike. Yea, tell straight to my face that this is a noble profession. Tell me also that being one would guarantee me a secure future. But, furrrrleeaseeeeeeeeeee!!!
Gosh.. Never thought that I would return to school again. I thought, the moment I stepped out from my high school year, that would indeed be the last. And now, the story is just the otherwise. What other choices do I have but to learn to be in love with this so-called dignified line of work?
Like many other numerous friends of mine who shared the same tragedy, we love the English Language but not the accompanying, attached career! (Hey.. It's TESL ok, Walter! TEACHING ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE! TEACHING is placed as the first word just in case you have forgotten, Walter!)
When your heart is screaming and yearning for something else, for an impossible and unworkable wish, do you know how crippled would you feel? Where may I find my inspiration?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Challenges

Dealing with people will never be easy. The hardest still is to deal with those who you really, really love and care about. You have to make them understand that the world is not always kind. In trying to get the message well-penetrated into their stone-like mind, one tiny mistake would definitely ruin everything. It must be done with the greatest care and absolute pre-caution.
Dealing with a heart may sometimes appear to be like dealing with life or death matter. You want to see them happy and trouble-free and yet you have to somehow interfere with their youthful and rebellious mind with words of wisdom so as to enable them to live a better life ahead. It may sound easy to tell someone what is wrong or what is right. It has never appeared as an easy task for me.
If happen that you are reading this, PLEASE, PLEASE bear it in your mind that my only intention is to get you to the right track. I love you so much that nothing in this world could ever replace that burning passion deep inside my heart to see you growing up as a flourishing somebody.
You do not have any idea how much it hurts to hear about your misconduct! How much pain has it caused! How much tears that I have shed! I hope you would listen and we do not have to go through this circle ever again. I would provide you with the entire space you need, the entire times you could do with, any amount of money, whatever it takes to make you a MAN! I hope one day you would realize that you are my PRIZED treasure! Because I AM YOU BROTHER!

Now, let me run miles after miles and continents after continents to look for my new inspiration to rekindle my broken heart.


Juggling

I have a hell lots of things racing in my mind. Can never stop thinking huh? I almost get myself drowned.. Sounds pretty bad huh? Actually, nothing too bad. Neither there is anything too good. Estimating my prospects, calculating my worth and reserving some thoughts to myself and damn, that's the most difficult part after all! Good day, everyone..

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Empty....

Shall I say it again!!!! I am tired of doing really nothing!!!!! It is different from you being tired of working all day long.. It is totally different. At least, you get to see the result or the end product after the sweat and your unconditional effort that you have invested. When you are unoccupied, you would be unproductive. You gain no satisfaction at all!
That's how I feel these couple of days. I am no difference from those who are bed-ridden. Feel so restless.. Waiting for nothing... Anxiously looking at the clock.. Each second is so, so, sooooooo reluctant to move to the other. My brain is dying for some kind of thinking. I need to keep moving but this waiting hold me back ruthlessly!

SMK Teknik Kajang

I am tired of doing nothing. Everything moves at snail pace. This is just my second day in SMK Teknik. I believe, these two-day mode would remain consistent for the rest of the week because the school is only moving to its third day of mid-term examination tomorrow. So, I do not have to prepare my lesson plan not until next Thursday after the examination is over. Then, only the real challenge begins!
So far, I have yet to find anything troublesome. Everyone, the Principal, the Senior Assistants and the teachers are all very helpful and accommodating. I feel really welcomed here. It appeared that I have been in SMKT for more than a day.
And yea! How I love the staff room! It is fully air-conditioned with a comfy seat and large table. I have my own locker and seated at the first row, next to my mentor. Should not I be grateful? This I must tell you! The pantry, a.k.a my bakery is just a throwing distance from my strategic seat. I bought two loaves of ButterScotch Bread already. Ahakz.. And I am also informed that wifi is also available. Owh, heaven!! Do not have the chance to try it out anyway. Soon... Very very sooon...
Other than invigilating some classes and assembling the exam paper, I have nothing else to do. The only setback is the tiring long hours that we have to spend in the school. It seems like I am taking care of both morning and afternoon sessions despite the fact that SMKT is a single-session school. The school commences at 0730 and ends at 1515/1440 from Monday to Thursday and 1230 on Friday...
Since I ride a motorbike, you can imagine how would my hair be like. Hahaha.. But, I would not allow myself to appear messy. Before anything else, with the exception of reporting for duty, I would dash into the gents to do my hair... And only then, I am ready to face the world. Mind you, I brought along my wax to the school!! It is officially my must-have item in my bag!
I feel restless because of the unreasonable waiting hours. I really have nothing to do. Scribbling a bit here and a bit there, reading and flipping through some of their magazines; (Cleo, Jelita, Glam, etc) of course you may only find women stuffs since the room is overflooded by the female!The rest of the gentlemen are mostly placed in the other room or workshop because they are teaching technical and vocational subject. Very few are with the language deparment.
Well, I definitely would be writing on my other 8-week experience in SMKT soon. And I hope that I do not have to come out with any heartbreaking entry. So unlikely though but, let's just keep the finger crossed. Adios..

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Wanna love this somebody..

Is this the time? I don't know.. Sometimes, I thought I do. Within a split second, I doubt my feelin'. Adoh...

No compromy..

I am certain that I am still very much in control. But, my system refused to compromise. I feel like throwing out. My stomach got upset.. The apprehension is a bit too much than what I have expected. While I may look calm, inside is very stormy. Would it be difficult? nyway, tomorrow will be my first day for teaching practice. Hopefully, everything will start well and end well.. Dupdup, dupdup, dupdup.... Can you listen to my heartbeat? I need adrenaline no more...

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Strange world

My mind would be running wild freely, encompassing almost every details of my momentous life when I am alone. I would normally get carried into the world of the unknown and be kept in a critical thinking mode whenever I am unaccompanied and all by myself. Lots of things would flash in my mind. All the do's and don'ts, all the if's and all the why's taking and switching place one after another.
Most of the times, I am lost and hardly track my way back. This is the one moment that leads me to an intense depression. My mind, as terribily curious as it is, would struggle to wanting to unveil just about anything. Luckily however, at any other time, I may find the answer to my uncertainties which would elevate me to seventh heaven.
I am the kind of person who is hunger for an extended explanation. Wanting to know more and more and more of a thing even if it is understood with only one or two-word claritication. That's me.. The ever-curious Walter..

Celebrating our diversity

I would forever be amused with the fact that everyone is unique. Remember this cliche? One's meat is the other's poison? What I like the most may turn out to be the thing that you despiced the most. And what I treasured the most may disgust you terribly.
It is not rare though to share our affection of something with others which captivates me the least. I am fascinated to really understand and appreciate this diversity that is widely dispersed in order to wholly value everyone that I know. Perhaps, that is the solution to enhance the peace-keeping effort. I mean, to avoid conflict. Huhuhu..
You may work best this way but I find it ridiculous when in fact, you are more productive doing it the way you prefer. I would normally, unwisely choose to ignore this very ESSENTIAL fact. If I really live by the very principle that everyone has their own way to survive, that my tool kit is very different from yours, I might not be trapped within my unfair judgment; believing mine is always the correct way in dealing with things.
Sometimes, I just can't see what you see.. Sometimes, I just can't comprehend why have you chosen the path which is very different from mine.. Sometimes, I thought that I am right when in the end, I am dumbfounded to realize that my opinion is wide of the mark.
Avoid destructive remark and give each other some space to deliver their thought. Take pride in what we are doing but, do not allow your selfish and mindles contemplation to ruin the beauty of this diversity. Do not be too harsh to yourself and to others. Be critical of yourself first before you start to look for others weaknesses. It's always easy to point out others' flaws and not your own.
You and I are just two different beings; trying to make each passing day a better one. Maybe it is best to be tolerant and broadminded to enable us to accommodate my need and your need. Let's work it your way and my way to achieve our shared goal.


Apology

I guess I shall humbly ask for an apology shall any of my entry causes you a heartbreak. Pardon me for my insensitivity. I guess I have made it clear that I am blogging to let go of my, hmmm.. you know, those troubling, negative emotions. No defamation intended. I found blogging really helps a lot. I get to translate what I feel into words in my most honest state.
I do understand that I have a lot of ever-loving and willing friends to turn to. However, what I fear the most is that, sometimes, when my intention is to only share my misery with others, it would cause them discomfort. I do not want to trouble others with my sometimes-sceptical thought. I do not want to seek for more trouble when in fact, I am already troubled... However, yeah, at times, I do need my kind-hearted friend to listen to my agony when I see only darkness while reaching the end of the suffocating tunnel.
I do also believe that I am just living a practical and independent life. That's all. I wanted to not rely heavily on others. You may say that trouble shared trouble halves & joy shared joy doubles! But, it is not necessary always the case, right?
When I am disturbed, those who are close to me would understand that I prefer to withdraw myself from any social setting. Perhaps, plugging in my mp3 player to my ears. The extremely, most important grounds to justify my action is that, I do not want to spoil others mood. I do not want to be the joy-killer. I do not want to ruin anything. So, when the best is obvious, which is to exclude myself from the others, why shouldn't I? I myself do not like it to be surrounded by people with overwhelming negative emotion who see only the dark side of everything because of its ripple effect. Can you imagine if the people around you keep on harping on, complaining about and grumbling repetitively, on and on and on and on? It would make the friendly gathering or conversation to be very awkward. Later, everyone would turn tongue-tied and pissed off.
I ought to learn to deal with my own uncertainties, my reeling headaches and get to learn to solve each of them independently, autonomously and wisely. A listening friend may get fed up if the repeated dilemma or trouble, whatever you called it, is shared over and over again. Why causing more conflict when it is avoidable? That's how I see it because basically mine is always the 'recylcled' mess. I just do not want to nag you with the same hitches time after time.
But, don't you get me wrong. I am not choosing to walk on a path alone, single-handedly and unaided. I still need people around me to cherish God's masterpieces. What I want you to understand is my need for a breathing space to be reflective on and to be insightful of my utterances, my deeds and my sentiments as well as my emotions.
So, I think I have gotten my case elaboratedly clarified. May each of us be granted peace in heart and mind and soul. Allow me to ever again express my genuine appreciation for everyone's compassion.

"Making my heart audible. Through mistake I learnt greatly, through YOU I walked steadily."





Saying goodbye...

I guess a lot of us Cohort 3 will be moving out today. A bit mmmm, sad because I did not get to see most of you before our big day! I shall bid each and everyone of you goodbye. Let's make this historical 8-week a journey that worth to be remembered. Let's spread our wing out wide to fly high to reach the blue sky. I have faith in each and everyone of you! God bless!!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I want to relive every great moment of my life..

Seriously, I want to relive my every great, sweet moment of my life. You too, must in love with this idea, musn't you? To live a day without much hurdle is like you are putting on the oxygen mask where everything is vivid and your mind is clear.
What I may be feeling right now may be driven by my loneliness. Perhaps, I have been trying very hard to make my life colourful, to make each passing second a memorable one. (Come on, Walter. You have to learn that you are living what we termed as LIFE!! Don't you get it?)
Have I lunged everything out? I guess I have not. I feel SO HEAVY, so DISHEARTENED and so LOST... So empty that causes a mssive jam in my entire system. DAMN IT!! SHOOT!! I guess I am a freak. Yeah, indeed Walter is a freak.. I feel like I am World's No. 1 JERK!
What good would it bring by grumbling, cursing, wallowing and reeling on my heartaches? Am I letting it go from my disdain, corrupted mind? Or am I leading myself to a barely discernible path which the end is not the glory but the wretchedness?
(Debating with myself) Woi.. Walter.. You need to seriously wind out! Go for a fresher air and a more encouraging viewpoint. Do not motion yourself to a self-destructive passageway. Ahhhh... Gosh.. It's difficult to divert my already bothered mind to something lively... Maybe good movies and some catchy songs ould help.. Am trying each out now...

I thought you would...

I thought you would, argh.. never mind! Just forget about it. Which means I would have to fake everything mine again. I hate it to feel this way. I just can't help it. It is all because it is YOU who lead me again to this valley of misery. So unfortunate that to preserve whatever that we TOGETHER TREASURE, I have to be not truthful to myself ever again. To fake my entire self and to fake my happiness are the price that I have to pay.
The saddest part is, you will never understand. Can you just look into my very eyes to share the pain that I have to bear because of your ignorance? Huuhhh.. (Slapping my forehead) Another stupid expectation for you will never would. Maybe I am too good to fake my joy in front of you till you can't differentiate my real state of being.
Often, we neglect the seemingly unimportant things in out life. Keeping others on the wait. Holding others for too long with the uncertainty. We do not care to extend our thought a bit further.What you and I may find of less significant could mean a life to the others; an infamous ignored fact.
My perspectives is now very indistinct. Your ignorance has turned my entire self numbed. A bit deaden but I guess I have to move on. (Releasing a very heavy SIGH)
And when I see you again, while my heart is agonizingly screaming, my forgiving lips would be ever ready to fabricate its lovely smile. And, you, hmmm (smirk) not surprisingly, would never have a single idea or clue of how much trouble have you caused! The worst is yet to commence.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Leave me alone

To stay positive is one of the greatest challenges ever presented to me. I reacted too quickly to people's remark, leaving my heart bleeding and secretly crying. I know that I am just too sensitive most of the times. Overly reacting sometimes. But, I can't help and that is the most tragic part of my life.
I need to learn to stay calm. I need to master the art of self-control. Otherwise, I would be easily defeated. Or maybe, I am just being expressive. Sigh..

2.89

I dreamt that I would only get 2.89 for this semester. What a spiteful, disgusting, dispiriting dream to my sweat and hard labour! If I really would, sayonara dunia! I guess I have put in as much effort as I could. Some paper may cause me a slight headache. Some are really a turn-on! Let's see... Nervously and impatiently waiting for the result. I humbly hit 3.75 last semester. Would I do any better this time around? The apprehension is killing me!! Arggghhhh...

Imsomnia

Never thought that I would have problem with sleeping. I am still wide awake and let me tell you that it is now 3.30 in the morning and I am still fully awake. Hardly feeling any drowsiness. I am surprised to learn that these couple of days, I spent a very minimal hours on my bed. Hardly reaching 4 hours per day! Gosh.. I guess I shall blame it on the whether. It is so damn hot. The moment I lay on my back, the sweat would as well start to flow profusely, drenching out from my every tiny pore.
I have taken countless galloons of plain water to get myself refreshed and rejuvenated and most importantly, CHILLED which causes my stomach to bulge perceptibly. It looks like a balloon that is about to poooppp!! In fact, you may also look for me at the bathroom for I would spend more than 15 minutes to chill myself say you can't find me in my room. I could hardly adapt my biological need to this ever-rising temperature. Is this how it feels to live in a dry desert? And now, it is 3.40 a.m. Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop with my eyes wide opened!

Teaching Practice

My stomach is now full with dozens of butterflies and maybe 10 or 20 other dragonflies. While I am looking forward to discover what does it mean to impart knowledge in others, the thought of standing in front of a hopefully-well-behaved students is indeed frightening. Would they be listening to me? Would I be able to share my knowledge and effectively deliver them? Would I be able to captivate my students? Would I be leaving any positive impact in my future students' life?
And, how about the teachers, my colleagues to-be? Would they be helpful and accommodating? Would they be willing to guide? Wouldn't I be their punching bag instead? Would they be able to accept me wholeheartedly?
These are some of the questions that occupy my mind at current. Lots of discouraging myths have been reverberating in my conscious psyche. But, there is no way out. Like it or not, in less than four days time, I'll be carrying out my teaching practice at SMK Teknik, Kajang together with my buddy, Robin with Dr. Jamil as our supervisor.
It may be challenging. It definitely would. I hope I would not find so much trouble during this eight-week teaching practice. I also hope that I could bring as much positive transformation as possible to make this training a worthwhile one.
I have a lot of activities in mind actually. I again and again hope that the students will be motivated to learn English purposefully. I dearly pray that I may accomplish my duty excellently. I am in need to keep this spirit of mine blazing while I am carrying the title "CIKGU."
Guys, this is the time! Let us utilised it fully. This is the time to tell the world that we are not just another product, but we are THE PRODUCT! Let us triumph over this significant battlefield of our life as an ENGLISH TEACHER! All the best!

How highly do you place me actually?

I do at times think that I am living in the flight of my imagination, breathing in a world of fantasy, keeping on building my dreamt castle in the sky; shamelessly admitting that I am well-taken care of by someone who I think really would. In the end, when the realization comes knocking on my forehead, I felt cheated for it appeared to be not true.
Does this question really matter when everyone is happy when I am around? Why do I even ask this stupid-ass question? Perhaps because of the insecurity issue. Hmmm... How can I ever know that I am important to one's life? Does standing by my sides for every split second indicates that someone really cares? Would it make any difference if I am not around or would it not? Were they just merely saying the words or simply fulfilling their humanly responsibilities?
Or am I just another foolish brat who wishfully thinks that others would be bothering so much of their priceless time to spare some thoughts for me? I just don't know. Whatever the truth is, to think that I am placed highly by the others is like you, lighting a candle in the rough night when the unforgiving storm ravages my outer shield. So that I know that in a hard time, I would have someone to turn to.
Well, out of curiousity, when I find that I am treated differently, I tend to ask myself, who am I really to you which makes me wonder whether there is anyone out there who would take a real trouble just to see me smiling... I know somebody would (hopefully). You know that you are the one! But, are you really, really the one?
Maybe this is just another unnecessary, self-humiliating demand. Maybe I am asking too much. Maybe I am behaving like a 4-year old kid... Maybe... But, what if what I am now feeling is true? I think it would hurt me terribly if it is indeed the truth.
Perhaps, it would do me good to leave this question unattended. I do not want to be emotionally burdened again. But, I want this to echo in your mind forever. Be honest to yourself. If you are just putting up a show, I beg you! Please let go of me if all this while, your are just faking it...


Friday, May 1, 2009

Gawai... 30 days to go...

Wow, we are approaching the middle of the year already.. I could smell my mum's pansuh and my dad's bbq meat.. (Drooling...) Gawai is like so near that I really feel like flying home, helping with the preparation. It was always me who hung the curtain, did the dusting, fixing the lighting, just about anything, normally all by myself since the rest are working. How else can I contribute right? I have to make sure that everything was just in place. And of course, it would end with final touch-up from my ever-creative mum and sista who would make everything 120% more pleasantly arranged.
Actually, I am so suprised that I still have that Gawai spirit blazing deep inside. Remarkable. This Gawai however, I would do the least since I'll be home only on Gawai Eve. I pity my mum because she got to do everything on her own. Of course my father would be helping her. And my sis is six-month pregnant. Nothing much could she do as well.. Mummy, so sorry..
Normally, I would be busying myself thinking of the menu, making sure that we cook and prepare something new and special. I would lend a helping hand to slaughter the pig. Cleaning all the bulus and all.. Stuff like that.. Unbelievable? Eheh.. Each gawai, we possibly try to add in as much variety to our menu. Last year, we prepared pansuh manuk, pansuh ikan, pansuh pork (excuse me), ketupat, mix vege, chicken curry, rendang daging, popia kentang, laksa sarawak and my mum's signature pulut daging.
I feel akward to be elsewhere while the rest of the family will be working so hard for the coming Gawai. I know how tiring it would be. Hmmm.. I hope Aunty Catherine would be celebrating this Gawai with us so that my mum would be greatly assisted. Yea, Adrian would be helpful too. Good luck, mummy!!! My pa, he has to be a lone ranger with is stuff.. His specialties are in roasting and jaga-ing pansuh.. Babun, make sure you HELP, k. Or otherwise, I'll knock your head so hard that you would not be able to enjoy this Gawai.

Selamat Hari Gawai ke kitak semua, sama rami, sama gaga, ngintu ari besai kitai.. Gayu guru, gerai nyamai, lantang senang nguan menua..Ooooohaaaa