You may find my recent entries are very irritating. I grumble a lot. I know. Seemingly, I know no joy. Your mind may be preoccuped with that sort of perception. Well, everything is superficially ok.
You know... It's just that when you did not get to talk about what you truly feel, that may cause me this kind of madness. Blogging may be a place to pen down my everything. Then again, I have to be discreet still because this is a public blog. So, when there is so much restriction in expression, I feel like retaliating. I feel helpless. I can only negotiate with my fragile, already-broken-little heart.
It is so disheartening and daunting when I can't freely express what I really, truly, sincerely feel. And when the need to be able to let go is at its peak, gosh, how I wish that I just could throw whatever I have in mind FREELY without any fear! And when I said I need to be expressive, I don't mean to be in anyway provocative. I would be more than happy to let others know what I feel and that is it. But, I don't have the urge to do that, afraid that it might hurt the other in one way or another. And when people are hurt, you know all sorts of things that you ought to do, don't you? I don't like to be trapped in that drama. What good would it bring then? Adding some more burden to my already troubled life would not be so sound, I supposed..
Talking about conflicting values, it may be a bitter pill to swallow to some. Thus, it makes it hard to get people to understand why something so little means a whole world to you. I HEREBY WANTED TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I DESPISED A MAN WHO DOES NOT HONOUR HIS WORD! To this particular someone (see, I can't even tell the world who that person is), I have mistakenly thought that we truly share this very value that we get to talk about and discuss ELABORATIVELY, but after the few incidences, I bet, no!
I guess I have been living for others, hardly to satisfy my innerself but to bring contentment to others who I claimed to be significant. I try to please them when I myself am no way pleased. I try to not hurting any when I myself am badly hurt; being eaten alive and slowly rottening. I try to make others smile when I am strugling to smile. I would do just about anything to impress others and in return, I gained the least satisfaction. Worthwhile?
I do buy the idea of being happy seing others happy. But maybe no more now. MAYBE.. For what reason should I fill in others' life with extreme happiness when they hardly make a second meaningful for me?
I may only need to be wiser. So far, keeping quiet gives me a momentary relief at least.. The rest, I would keep my finger crossed that the next morning, when I wake up, I would forget about what has happened. I may live a life of the same circle..
Hurt- Silent(Negotiating with my heart for my inner peace) - OK again...
You know... It's just that when you did not get to talk about what you truly feel, that may cause me this kind of madness. Blogging may be a place to pen down my everything. Then again, I have to be discreet still because this is a public blog. So, when there is so much restriction in expression, I feel like retaliating. I feel helpless. I can only negotiate with my fragile, already-broken-little heart.
It is so disheartening and daunting when I can't freely express what I really, truly, sincerely feel. And when the need to be able to let go is at its peak, gosh, how I wish that I just could throw whatever I have in mind FREELY without any fear! And when I said I need to be expressive, I don't mean to be in anyway provocative. I would be more than happy to let others know what I feel and that is it. But, I don't have the urge to do that, afraid that it might hurt the other in one way or another. And when people are hurt, you know all sorts of things that you ought to do, don't you? I don't like to be trapped in that drama. What good would it bring then? Adding some more burden to my already troubled life would not be so sound, I supposed..
Talking about conflicting values, it may be a bitter pill to swallow to some. Thus, it makes it hard to get people to understand why something so little means a whole world to you. I HEREBY WANTED TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT I DESPISED A MAN WHO DOES NOT HONOUR HIS WORD! To this particular someone (see, I can't even tell the world who that person is), I have mistakenly thought that we truly share this very value that we get to talk about and discuss ELABORATIVELY, but after the few incidences, I bet, no!
I guess I have been living for others, hardly to satisfy my innerself but to bring contentment to others who I claimed to be significant. I try to please them when I myself am no way pleased. I try to not hurting any when I myself am badly hurt; being eaten alive and slowly rottening. I try to make others smile when I am strugling to smile. I would do just about anything to impress others and in return, I gained the least satisfaction. Worthwhile?
I do buy the idea of being happy seing others happy. But maybe no more now. MAYBE.. For what reason should I fill in others' life with extreme happiness when they hardly make a second meaningful for me?
I may only need to be wiser. So far, keeping quiet gives me a momentary relief at least.. The rest, I would keep my finger crossed that the next morning, when I wake up, I would forget about what has happened. I may live a life of the same circle..
Hurt- Silent(Negotiating with my heart for my inner peace) - OK again...
1 comment:
you'll be ok, darling, i promise... :) just take good care. jangan fikir gilak. don't burden yourself. be cool. relax. inhale. seriously.
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